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Sometimes I like to come to the café late at night when no one else is here and listen to some of my favorite CDs. Last night I curled up in the oversized chair in the far corner and listened to Elton John and Tim Rice’s haunting song “Circle of Life” from The Lion King. As I wrapped the soothing comfort of the night around me like a velvet blanket, I realized that Rice’s lyrics could have been written for us, we unheralded family caregivers who “never take more than we give.” Each of us handle our caregiver role so very differently; and deep down we know that there is no one magic formula for doing it right (although we wish there were).
Yes, we probably all realize that over time the emotional and physical stress can take its toll on us. But why is it that “some of us fall by the wayside and some of us soar to the stars.” Why is it that “some of us sail through our troubles and some have to live with the scars.” Why such different outcomes??? And, while we may never soar to the stars, surely there must be some things we can do to manage this caregiver journey in a way that doesn’t leave quite so many scars. Given the hour, I knew no one was going to walk through the door with words of wisdom for us. But I knew I could call one friend to get his sound advice. So I called Dr. Ed Rudow, a caring psychologist who has been helping people sift through their emotional issues for a very long time. After sharing my evening’s ponderings, he reminded me that we caregivers are notorious for being kind to everyone but ourselves; being patient with everyone but ourselves; being understanding to everyone but ourselves; and caring for everyone but ourselves. Dr. Rudow: “Basically, Jackie, I’m not going to tell you anything that you don’t already know. Think about the expression Physician Heal Thyself. It applies just as much to caregivers. You can’t give good care unless you care for yourself first. You and your caregiver friends really need to give yourselves some special “You Time” every day. Even if you take a half-hour break; just to breathe and do whatever relaxes you. It might be talking with a friend; a leisurely walk outside; watching a favorite TV show; or sitting curled up in a chair listening to haunting songs….whatever takes you away is what you should do. You do know, Jackie, that the Elton John song says that you need to find YOUR place on the path unwinding. All I’m saying is to be a little caring to the caregiver. But you can’t just think about it; you have to do it. And you can’t just do it once a week or once a month. Even if you have to force yourself to take a little time each day, do it. And knowing you, you probably will have to force yourself. But it will get easier with practice, I promise you; and both you and the care recipient will be better off for it. You and your caregiver friends can call on me anytime if you want a friendly reminder to count you in. That’s what I’m here for.”
As I turned out the lights and locked the door behind me, I kept thinking: “It’s funny how psychologists always seem to tell us what we already know deep down inside of us; but it sounds so much wiser coming from them!” Dr. Rudow will be coming by the café regularly; so you might write and let us know what questions or concerns you want him to talk about. Take good care of yourselves. --Jackie
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